“Gabbie, what if you just wrote about it?”
It’s the summer months of 2021. I posed this question to my childhood best friend, Gabbie, after an hour-long walk around Packanack lake – a picturesque lake in our hometown of Wayne, NJ, where it feels like everyone knows everyone.
Gabbie was one of my first friends in elementary school. She was one of the first people I had a classic childhood “play date” with. I still remember going to our classmates house, Brandon, who also happened to be Gabbie’s neighbor. We played with toys inside and adventured within the backyard to play in the sprinklers.
We started each school day together and ended each school day together. Our friends became friends and we gradually formed an intimate circle amongst ourselves.
Gabbie and I stayed classmates until 8th grade. Then when high school approached, I ventured to a different school than her and my other hometown friends. I wanted to go to a private school 30 minutes from my town, in order to seize an opportunity with high school sports. Whereas my friends, naturally, wanted to stay local to be around each other.
Gabbie and I had childhood memories that would last a lifetime — Brandon’s house for playdates, James Fallon elementary school classes together, 8th grade prom, and more. An unbreakable connection. One of those relationships that picks up right where it left off – no matter how long we went without seeing each other.
Seeing Gabbie in 2021 marked a decade since I last saw her in-person. Our walk around the lake encompassed many life updates. I wanted to listen more than I wanted to talk.
At this point in time, she hadn’t had it easy on herself. Gabbie’s way of coping with anxiety and stress from the difficulties of life left her in a state of frailty – both physically and emotionally.
Her smile was always big and her character was always bright, but there was more to how Gabbie was feeling than what normal eyes can perceive.
As another childhood best friend, Nick, once said to me when we were young, “you never truly know what someone is going through behind closed doors”.
Even though I hadn’t seen Gabbie in so long, I didn’t want her to willingly drown herself in drugs.
Would I have been a good friend if I withheld the truth from Gabbie? Isn’t it more beneficial to provide her with ways that can more positively help her compared to the methods she was currently using to suppress stress?
We will all go through seasons of stress in our life – some longer than others.
With that being the reality, isn’t it a blessing to hear someone else say: “I’ve been where you are now.”
It’s a relief to connect with someone about the trials of our existence.
It allows the hurting person to go from being on a metaphorical island to being on a beach. Instead of loneliness, there is a closeness and a connection.
The truth is that I’ve been, and we’ve all been, where Gabbie once was. Hurting and needing help.
Yet what matters most is what we turn to for a release. Because what we continually turn to will become habitual — no matter if it’s positive or negative.
That’s why I wanted Gabbie to try writing. I couldn’t solve all her life problems for her. Nor can anyone do the same for me. Only God can do that.
I believe writing is a great way to gain clarity amongst the chaos.
So, extending this tool of help to her, was my way of saying “I’m here for you”. I’ve also taken my pen to paper and gotten tremendous benefit from getting my thoughts out of my head.
Writing is like venturing into the depths of the unknown. If you dig in, you chip away at unsearched areas of your mind that you haven’t been exposed to before.
For example, I’ve been journaling and writing since I was young enough to ride a bike. In 2021, I also used the Self Authoring program created by Jordan B. Peterson, Daniel M. Higgins, and Robert O. Pihl. It has profoundly helped me understand my past, my present, and to map my future.
It can be sky-scrapingly-frightening to write. But it’s a great act of courage to approach areas that you are afraid of. Its rewards are unparalleled.
I have dozens of childhood friends that I know can benefit from writing, so that they can see their thoughts directly in front of them, instead of just ruminating on them in their mind.
Some of these same friends I’m referring to are now passing-on.
But most are not just dying from the decrepitness of age.
Rather, they are dying from things within their control.
Overdosing on drugs, getting a bad lace in their drink, suicide, and more.
My heart hurts to know how much suffering each person was experiencing – that they were suffering so much that they resorted to a substance to fill their void rather than a person to talk to and God to lean on.
The same hurting of my heart goes to their families too.
Especially my good friend Gabbie.
I had hoped my experiences with Gabbie would last a lifetime. Well, they will… but only for my life, that is.
I didn’t expect her lifetime to last as long as it did.
No one did.
She died at the age of 23.
But here I am. Writing about Gabbie. About our experiences together. Cemented in my mind like pavers on a patio. Time can chip away at pavers, but nothing will remove them. The same goes with Gabbie and me. Our memories together can never evade my mind.
As tough as it was to see her suffer, the lesson of always actively listening to others was further cemented into my mind too.
I don’t know what others are truly going through.
Even if I do know, based on what the other person expresses to me, the truth is that I don’t actually know.
I only know a portion of the depths of their mind and soul.
Only God knows it all.
That’s why it is best to leave it all to God. “To let go and let God” as the modern adage goes.
The best we can do for each other is relate and be real with each other.
We are all here to serve one another and walk each other back home.
Listening is a powerful tool to help others see what they can’t see for themselves.
No one ever finished a profound conversation and started complaining by saying, “I’ve had enough… that other person listened to me extremely well.”
A good friend, partner, mate, family member will always embed love into their interactions with the other person. Even if it is blunt and truthful.
The people that most love you will always lead with truth.
First by lovingly listening and then by lovingly questioning.
To actually listen, means to listen to each vowel of each word that the other person speaks. It’s a present involvement.
Listening to someone, while using your phone is like half-in, half-out involvement.
Whereas, active listening is like zoning out the entire world and talking to the other person as though they are the most important person in the world – because, at that moment in time, they are.
To actually question, means prioritizing understanding more than it does solving. The former comes first. The latter comes second.
It’s important to define terms and get on the same page before proceeding to solve anything.
As an American who learned Spanish while in Mexico from June to December 2023, I think that bridging the connection between two people of the same dialect who are not on the same page is harder than bridging the connection between two people who don’t speak the same language.
But once that connection is bridged, it makes room for asking the correct questions.
If you think about it more deeply, everyone you talk to is like a form of a therapist. We are constantly piecing together our reality – to understand ourselves and others.
By asking one another questions and giving perspectives that can’t be garnered by our own doing, we approach the horizon towards seeing the bigger picture.
Author’s Note:
This essay is dedicated to Gabbie.
May we continue to be here for each other in truth. I know I’ll be here for you whenever you need it.
If you need to open up about your troubles with work, inability to understand God, or a thought that is most grappling on your mind, please talk to me. I would love to be a mirror for you that leads you to the truth.
There is only one
on earth. Major shoutout to him for always being such a helpful writing partner.
His feedback helped me get to the nucleus of what I was striving to say in this essay. I highly advise you check out his writing if you haven’t already.
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