What does it feel like when you are at your lowest?
Who is there to comfort you?
What do you have to cling to?
Within every moment of my life, when I was at my lowest, it would cause me to either be moved to tears or feel humbled to the point of observing myself from an outside perspective. It’s when I am humbled that I feel God’s presence to be so prevalent.
And in my past, many of those moments were my way of coming to the Lord – and my only way of coming to the Lord. I was like a kid who urgently comes crying to his father for comfort because of a deep physical pain or deep emotional pain. I would continually mess up. Over and over and over. And The Lord would continually comfort me, love me, nurture me, teach me, and care for me. Only the God of all Gods can do that.
And in each moment, when I was humbled beyond belief and I couldn’t bear the weight of living how I lived, there was always someone there to direct me rightly so.
I didn’t know it at the time, but growing up in a Roman Catholic family and church, ended up blinding me from the real Truth – in that salvation comes from the Grace of Jesus Christ alone.
That is not to lean any love away from my family. I love my immediate family. I love my parents beyond measure.
Yet, darkness is darkness and light is light and even Roman Catholicism misses the mark on what the Bible actually says.
Throughout my entire young life and into my early 20s, even though “faith” seemed to still be in the picture of my life, God gracefully held back his Wrath upon me. I was continually spared. As can be seen below, such are just some of the ways in which I was spared.
It was my father who hugged me when I told him I didn’t want to continue sports anymore and that I wanted to transfer catholic schools because things weren’t going my way. I wasn’t getting what I wanted, but as my dad said in such a moment, “You have to stay committed son.” God was there and I could feel His presence binding my father and me as we hugged in my backyard for multiple minutes – which felt like a blissful eternity. I went on to become part of a football and basketball team that was top-ranked in the nation and state, respectively, because of said commitment – along with many other blessings in said school.
It was my friend Dennis who was a vessel that God worked through to strike my soul when I was at my lowest – upon realizing a certain girl wasn’t going to be in my life anymore and that my priorities were actually wrong all along. He said, “God gives you what you need, not what you want.” I felt an assurance go down my spine and around my body. That was God speaking and directing me.
It was meeting my friend Daniel for the first time and having our souls interwoven through deep conversation because God was present amongst his two children. Daniel further confirmed that I wasn’t crazy in my thinking and that believing in Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light to follow. A lost and lukewarm sheep found guidance through a friend. The world felt elevated in that moment and I felt at ease and at peace more than ever.
It was meeting up with my old friend Katelyn for the first time, since we were young, and her telling me that those who are the most lukewarm in their faith are the worst – at a time when I was thinking about starting a show called New Age Thinking. My ears perked up and my shoulders went back. This was right. God was correcting my path of wrong actions through a great woman.
God continually delivers me from getting out of my own way. For so long, I’ve always wanted to help others get out of their own way, but little did I know back then: I was the one who needed the most help.
I was running, running, running, but in the wrong direction.
Carnal acts to pleasure my flesh were a regular action.
I was the one who would try to appease others, because my faith was so unstable.
I was focusing on the world, and innately, God become the #2 of my life.
It was “I”, “I”, “I”.
Yet, as I continually sucked myself into the wrong things, God delivered me out.
The little kid always hurts himself.
Yet, His Father is always there to help him (Galatians 4:6). How I see it is that my wrong ways are made right by God. My failures are a way for God’s Grace to shine.
When I find myself crying at my lowest in some of the above moments: I cling to Jesus because he is always waiting for me.
When I find myself not being able to bear the weight of my own will: God shows me a path.
My past living was the opposite of Proverbs 3:5-6. My hedonistic, sinful, unrighteous ways (I’m hard on myself, but anything outside the ways of imitating Jesus should be – at least for me as I now know) are actually the exact things that led me to live like Proverbs 3:5-6 – because of God.
My wrong ways continually humbled me to need to trust in God because there was no other way to go. The path was revealed because Jesus took my hand and showed me the way.
I deeply remember crying by myself after the girl I put all my focus on decided to leave me for her own reasons. I felt so alone. I felt so afraid. Someone I cared for so much, decided to leave me all of the sudden. Why would she do such a thing if I cared for her so much?
Yet, while I thought such things and I was wallowing in my own pity, God came for me even when I wasn’t focusing on Him. He cared for me when I didn’t care for him. He never left me and was always waiting for me. That’s the difference between humans and God. While the former is finite and limited, God is a pillar and eternal.
Moving to Austin, TX in March of 2021 was directed and led by God. When I left New Jersey, and the East Coast in general, after being there all my life, the Lord leading me to Austin, TX felt different. It felt unknown. Yet, he accorded it to His Will for me to be here.
Since moving here by faith, not of my own accord, I was led by the Lord to Grace Church Austin. I remember my Christian friend at the time, by the name of Nico, had told me about two of the most important things in life: The Word of God and finding a Bible-focusing, Jesus-loving church.
Now that I look back on it, my friend Nico was the friend planting seeds in my life that eventually led to me being saved. The same goes with all those in the past, in my life.
At Grace Church Austin is where the brothern showered me in love and also where true, sound preaching of the Word was presented to me, in a faithful way, for the first-time ever. There is more that can be said about me getting to Grace Church Austin, and the intricacies of it all, yet anything I say all points to one truth: The Lord’s Grace has been made evident in my life.
Since being gifted with the Grace and intimacy of knowing Jesus Christ and Him being my Lord and Savior, I’ve had a peace beyond understanding and a joy unknown to the world. Yet, my flesh loves to get the front row seat. Through it all, Jesus keeps me and His steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 107:1-3, Psalm 23:1-3, Lamentations 3:22-23, Psalm 51:10)
God always filled the void. God showed the way. God touched my heart through those close to me or by going directly inside me.
But now that I have deep, deep conviction in my heart, God will always be the Sun of my universe, the center of my being, the axiom of my living, and the #1 of my life. Because He is Eternal and everything else is finite. My life without Him is no life at all.
